The Wound of Abandonment: A Journey Toward Self-Acceptance

A common wound I work with every day, both in my clients and myself, is abandonment. No matter how much healing work has been done, most of us find ourselves somewhere on the spectrum of abandonment at various points in our lives. This isn't a pathology—it's part of the human condition.

From the moment we are born, we have an innate need to feel connected and secure. Whether our parents neglected our emotional needs or provided a seemingly perfect upbringing, the fear of abandonment is universal. This fear isn’t just psychological; it’s rooted in our biology. As helpless infants, our survival depends on not being abandoned. Our brains, even before we are conscious of it, learn to do whatever it takes to prevent that feeling of being left alone. For that, we owe our brains some gratitude for keeping us safe.

However, when we grow into adults and no longer rely on others for survival, those old abandonment wounds often resurface. They may manifest in various ways, with people-pleasing being one of the most common forms I see. We ignore our own needs, bending and contorting ourselves in exchange for the smallest crumbs of acceptance or affection. Another way these wounds show up is through numbing and avoidance, where we close ourselves off to prevent any potential pain.

These behaviors can range from subtle to significant, leading to emotional consequences such as anxiety or depression. But at the core of all these behaviors is self-abandonment. We do to ourselves what we fear others will do: we reject our own needs, avoid showing up for ourselves, and shrink to prevent the pain of rejection.

When you add trauma into the mix, it's no surprise that so many people struggle with mental health. Our brains, still in protection mode, keep us stuck in patterns that no longer serve us. And while it’s easy to blame our brains for keeping us in these loops, we also need to acknowledge that they are still trying to protect us. So, once again—thank you, brain.

The good news is that we can begin to shift this dynamic. By working with our brains, instead of against them, we can change how we approach abandonment and begin to meet our needs from within. We no longer have to seek approval or validation from the outside world. We can stay with ourselves, honoring our needs rather than abandoning them.

This might look like speaking up and asking for what you need, even if it feels uncomfortable. It means choosing not to shrink or make yourself small to avoid taking up space. It means risking rejection but knowing that you will not abandon yourself, no matter how others respond. This is the power of choosing yourself—again and again—without apology, without guilt, and without worrying if it’s selfish. It’s not selfish; it’s necessary.

So, I invite you to start choosing yourself. I give you permission to show up for yourself, over and over again. You deserve to be heard, seen, and valued—by others, yes, but most importantly, by you.

If you’re ready to begin this journey of self-acceptance and healing, I’m here to walk alongside you. Together, we can break the cycle of self-abandonment and reclaim the parts of yourself that you've left behind. You deserve it.