The Effects of Not Having Boundaries

When Promises Are Empty

I grew up with two parents who rarely did what they said. Words were well-meaning, but ultimately empty promises.

This leaves a kid wondering if they can trust the words adults say. But more passively, it leaves you thinking you did or didn’t do something that would have made the parent follow through. It covertly felt like punishment. So then you try harder to “deserve” what was promised. You promise to be better. More worthy.

Repeating the Pattern

When I acknowledge this context, it’s no wonder I continued to gravitate towards relationships with the same dynamic as a young adult. I spent decades trying to be heard or validated. Even some attention to my needs would have been nice. I’d complain—trying to advocate for myself—only to be told more empty promises. And maybe sometimes, for a while, someone would give me the consideration that I was craving, but it never lasted long. That quickly creates a cycle of continually trying harder to be understood, heard, or acknowledged. Basic bread-crumbing. This is a recipe for overachieving, over-functioning, and hyper-independence.

I resolved to never trust anyone or what they said. At 13, I vowed in my journal that I would be the only person I could rely on for anything.

The Toll of Over-Functioning

Eventually, it wore me out. I felt like I was never really seen. I was trying to be all things to all people and never able to rely on anyone for the same support I gave them. It led to a lot of resentment and bitterness. And a lot of exhaustion.

Enter Boundaries

I read my first book about boundaries as an early 20-something-year-old, and it made no sense to me. It sounded selfish, self-centered, and cruel. But after another 20 years of trying to do it the only way I knew, I was finally at a breaking point. I didn’t have a choice. I physically couldn’t do it anymore. And when I say literally, I mean I had developed chronic hives, arthritis, and a heart condition. Boundaries were starting to make more sense.

The Fallout of Setting Boundaries

It’s funny how when I started doing what I needed for my health, everyone who was benefiting from me not having boundaries resented me for having them. I was called every name in the book by my then-husband. I was told I was cold and heartless. And honestly, by this point, I really didn’t even care if it might be true because I was in so much physical and emotional pain. Ironically, when I left that marriage, the hives, arthritis, and heart condition cleared up. They were signals that something (ok, a lot) was out of balance.

Losing Others, Gaining Myself

It’s not easy to start having boundaries when you’ve had such porous ones. You lose the people you thought you needed. Looking back now, I realize they were losing me—I was gaining myself back.

The Reality of Boundaries

Boundaries are such a popular concept now, and it seems like everyone on social media is talking about having them. And they’re right; they are great to have. They actually protect the important relationships so that you don’t get to the point I was. But it’s undervalued how difficult it is to establish boundaries, much less enforce them. You need a support system to back you up and remind you of why you’re doing the whole thing. And if you don’t have that, it’s nearly impossible to get much traction.

I can help support you through the process of figuring out where you need boundaries and then help walk you through the steps to enforce them. They only make life easier in the long run. Don’t wait until your body gets your attention the hard way.

Here to support you,

Eva