Understanding Family Constellations

Families, toxic or not, function because they are a system.

Think of a corporation: there are rules of engagement, expectations, normalized behaviors, unspoken language, and roles, including a hierarchy.

In families, there are consequences (punishment) for breaking the family code and rewards for being compliant (people pleasing). Common roles in toxic family systems may include:

• Parent Leader (matriarch/patriarch): Often the center of attention and control in the family, this person sets the rules and expects others to follow them unquestioningly. For example, a narcissistic parent may demand constant praise and obedience, punishing children who fail to meet their expectations.

• Golden child: This is the family member who can do no wrong in the eyes of the parent. They often receive special treatment and are used to uphold the family’s image. For instance, a golden child might be pushed to excel academically or athletically to reflect positively on the family.

• Lost child: This individual avoids conflict by staying under the radar. They may feel overlooked and isolate themselves to cope. For example, the lost child might spend hours alone in their room, avoiding family interactions altogether.

• Scapegoat: This family member is blamed for problems within the system, often unfairly. They become the outlet for the family’s frustrations. An example might be a child who is constantly criticized for being “too difficult” or “troublemaking” regardless of their actual behavior. Often, a scapegoat is the only one speaking up and is punished or alienated for it.

• Caretaker: This person takes on the role of managing the emotional needs of others, often at the expense of their own. For instance, a caretaker child might try to soothe an angry parent or take responsibility for a sibling’s well-being.

• Flying monkeys: These individuals act on behalf of the parent to enforce their control or gather information. For example, a sibling might relay private details about another sibling’s life to the parent.

• Enabler: This family member supports or defends harmful behaviors, often minimizing or excusing them to maintain the status quo. For instance, an enabler might justify a parent's abusive behavior by saying, "They've had a hard day," or shield them from consequences by cleaning up their messes.

Boundaries are often either very permeable, resulting in enmeshment, or very rigid, resembling an authoritative dictatorship.

The rules of the family system can be very obvious and overt, or they can be subtle and covert.

In a healthy family system, respect is the guiding undertone. Interactions aren’t power plays or manipulation. Individuals are free to be themselves without fear of retribution for not following along. There’s no need to keep members “close” through control because with freedom comes the desire for authentic closeness.

Codependency often arises in unhealthy family systems, perpetuating cycles of control, manipulation, and emotional imbalance.

Understanding these dynamics is the first step toward breaking free and creating healthier relationships moving forward.

—Eva

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