Attachment Styles

The Foundation of Connection

Attachment is the emotional bond we share with others, starting with the very first people who care for us. Though attachment styles are a popular topic in self-help today, their study actually began in the 1950s and 60s. Psychologist John Bowlby first explored how early life attachments with caregivers shape our relationships over a lifetime, and his work was deepened by psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. Their findings revealed that these early connections lay the foundation for how we see ourselves and the world: Is the world safe? Am I enough? How can I find love and connection? These are some of the questions our minds answer, even as young children, through the quality of our early bonds.

Bowlby found that attachment develops in four stages:

1. Pre-attachment (birth to 6 weeks) – Newborns are open to connection and receptive to comfort, though not yet specific to one caregiver.

2. Attachment in the Making (6 weeks to 7 months) – Babies begin showing preferences for familiar caregivers as they learn to trust that their needs will be met.

3. Discriminate Attachment (7-11 months) – A strong bond forms with primary caregivers, and children begin to feel separation anxiety when they are not nearby.

4. Multiple Attachments (around 9 months and beyond) – Children can develop connections with other caregivers, adding to a foundation of security.

The quality of these early attachments depends on attunement—the caregiver’s ability to notice, respond to, and truly “tune into” the child’s needs. When caregivers are attuned, children feel seen and cared for, which teaches them that their needs matter. This builds the foundation for a secure attachment, where the child learns that they are worthy of love and that others can be trusted.

Without consistent attunement, though, children may feel that their needs aren’t important or that others won’t be there for them. This can lead to desperate ways of seeking attention, withdrawing into themselves, or learning to self-soothe in unhealthy ways. Without understanding, children often blame themselves, feeling something must be wrong with them, rather than with the care they are receiving.

Mary Ainsworth identified three main attachment styles: Ambivalent  (also known as Anxious), Avoidant, and Secure. Later research added a fourth, Disorganized. Studies show that children with secure attachments tend to grow up with higher self-esteem, a greater sense of stability in relationships, and a lower risk of anxiety and depression. Those without secure attachments are more likely to experience difficulties with connection, along with challenges like anxiety, depression, or other struggles.

In our next newsletter, we’ll take a closer look at each attachment style, how these early bonds shape us, and ways to understand and nurture secure attachment in ourselves and others.

If your'e reading this and something is resonating but leaving you feeling discouraged at your own lack of attunement from caregivers, you're not doomed to an insecure attachment style forever.  We can work together to discover a more secure attachment within yourself! 

Eva

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