Secure Attachment

This is the second part of a series on attachment. You can find part one here.

An Ideal We Can Work Toward, Not Perfection

Secure attachment is often seen as the “gold standard” in relationships—something we’d all love to live in constantly. But the reality? No one resides in that space 100% of the time. So let’s drop any pressure to be flawless and let go of the pass-or-fail mindset. Your relationship skills aren’t being graded.

In an ideal world, secure attachment would look like:

• Healthy Boundaries: Being comfortable saying “no” and feeling safe in both solitude and togetherness. Secure individuals respect others’ boundaries, keeping a clear distinction between themselves and others.

• Intimacy and Vulnerability: There’s a sense of safety without needing constant reassurance or approval. They’re comfortable being seen and heard, committing fully to relationships rather than keeping “one foot out.”

• Interdependence in Relationships: Securely attached people depend on others and allow others to depend on them, without keeping score or engaging in jealousy or control games.

• Effective Communication: They’re skilled at expressing their emotions directly and openly and receiving others’ emotions with empathy—no guessing or mind games.

• Confidence and Self-Worth: Secure individuals have a healthy sense of self without needing to earn or prove worth. They’re open to growth, okay with being misunderstood, and resilient.

• Emotional Regulation: They can self-soothe, meet their needs healthily, and recover from setbacks without compromising their values or identity.

• Reliability and Integrity: They’re trustworthy, consistent, and trust others to be there when needed. Fear of rejection or abandonment doesn’t drive their actions.

• Accountability: Secure individuals handle confrontation constructively and welcome accountability, without their self-worth being shattered by others’ opinions.

In a secure relationship you find love, respect, authenticity, trust, and genuine affection.

For many, this might sound like a fairy tale—a kind of connection that seems far off. We tend to replicate in our current relationships the dynamics we experienced in our families. If we grew up with love and respect, it’s easier to cultivate those qualities. Conversely, if we struggled to feel secure, we may unconsciously attract similar dynamics as adults simply because they feel familiar.

If you notice recurring patterns in your relationships that lack security, examining your upbringing can be enlightening. This isn’t about blaming parents or caregivers; they may have been shaped by their own insecure attachments. Instead, it’s about recognizing the repairs needed to create a secure base for ourselves.

Building secure attachment starts with connecting to yourself first. While we can’t change the past, we can gain insight from it, bringing it to consciousness where real change is possible. There’s hope in this awareness, and security grows in relationships where it’s consciously prioritized.

Yours, 

Eva

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