Disorganized Attachment

Organized Chaos

Disorganized attachment is one of the most common attachment styles, yet it often goes unnoticed or misunderstood. It’s aptly named—marked by a chaotic push-and-pull dynamic. Those with this style deeply crave connection and intimacy but are often paralyzed by the fear of vulnerability. This creates confusion, not only for the individual but for those in their lives.

The Roots of Disorganization

Disorganized attachment often develops in childhood when caregiving is inconsistent. A parent may sometimes be warm and attuned but at other times disengaged, chaotic, or even punitive. For the child, this unpredictability creates a confusing world where trust cannot take root. The child becomes hypervigilant, always trying to adapt to shifting "rules" in an attempt to avoid rejection or punishment.

This unpredictability fosters an inability to feel safe. The child cannot predict when their needs will be met or when they might encounter disapproval. As a result, they may develop perfectionist tendencies, striving to earn approval, while simultaneously feeling deeply anxious about the consequences of failure.

Carrying the Pattern Into Adulthood

As adults, individuals with disorganized attachment often struggle with relationships. The unpredictability of their childhood becomes mirrored in romantic and platonic connections. Relationships may feel simultaneously desirable and threatening, creating a cycle of clinging and withdrawal. Even in safe and loving connections, trust may feel elusive.

Disorganized attachment reflects an inner conflict—bouncing between anxious behaviors that seek closeness and avoidant behaviors that fear it. This push and pull can feel exhausting, yet strangely familiar, as it echoes the chaos of early caregiving experiences.

Healing Is Possible

While disorganized attachment can feel overwhelming, it is not permanent. Healing begins with self-awareness and the willingness to explore your patterns with curiosity rather than judgment.

A key step in this process is learning to self-source safety. By cultivating a sense of internal security, you reduce the need to rely on others for reassurance. This creates space for relationships that feel more balanced and authentic. Over time, these new experiences can replace old narratives of fear and rejection with ones rooted in trust and connection.

Attachment styles are not fixed. With the right support and practices, you can heal disorganized attachment and move toward a secure style that allows you to engage with others from a place of authenticity and openness.

A Safe Place to Begin

If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. At The Rising Sol, I provide a compassionate space where you can explore these patterns without judgment and learn new ways of relating to yourself and others. 

Warmly,
Eva